I didn’t really anticipate writing beyond Lent, but sometimes the thoughts and words are just bursting out of you and you want to speak… you want to say the words out loud, or at least put them on paper. Not just because you want someone else to hear them or read them, but because you don’t want to forget what you’re feeling.
I turn 32 today. Never in a million years did I think 32 would look like this… I thought 32 meant marriage and kids and sharing responsibilities of a family with another person. I thought 32 for me would mean carpools, clothes from the “Ladies” department and bedtime at 10:00 regardless of the day of the week. Boy, was I wrong… While 30 was my favorite birthday to date, thanks mostly to the amazing family and friends I shared it with and the two AMAZING people who threw me the best party a girl could ever ask for, I feel such a sense of internal happiness and security as I turn 32 today. I genuinely love my life. I don’t look at the things that haven’t happened (husband, kids) as things that are missing but as things that are yet to come. I’m comfortable and okay with the notion that I might be a mom before I’m a wife. I see my siblings and their beautiful creations (Joshua, Olivia, Jack, Roman, Noah and Gianna), as well as my friends’ children, and know without hesitation that I’m meant to be someone’s mother.
I’m comfortable ending a relationship because the chemistry is lacking and while he might be a great guy, he’s not the right guy. In a life filled with common sense, I’ll take passion over what’s rational any day.
I’m proud that I have enough money to live on my own in a fabulous apartment, enjoy delicious meals, dress like I want, take vacations whenever and wherever I want, and spoil my family and friends when I want.
I am in awe of the circles of friends I have created and that I have the ability to get all of them together once a year for a pretty rocking Christmas party, if I say so myself.
I say it often and I mean it – my life is not hard. I have absolutely no real concept of what it’s like to struggle to get through a day. My bouts with depression, self-loathing and a general sense of “Why me, God?” feel ages away. I don’t expect life to always be perfect or beautiful. But when I talk to God at night, I am thankful. When things feel difficult, I try to remember the things that come so easy.