I want things to be different. I have to admit that I’m tired of the sound of my own voice as I attempt to navigate life and try to figure everything out. Are you a black and white person, or can you comfortably reside in shades of grey? I struggle with it terribly. I want to know everything now. How it’s going to work out… how I will survive if THIS happens or THAT doesn’t happen. Instead of giving credit to God for all of the good he has already produced and created in my life, I am still worried about what tomorrow might look like and if the hopes and dreams I have will come to fruition. If I look back, I can probably name a few scenarios where I thought I just wasn’t going to survive… and I’m here today typing this. Not only am I here, I’m not surviving – I’m thriving. When did I become so content to concentrate on the things that seem to be hard instead of the things that have come so easy? Why is it that I feel I need the approval of someone to believe I am worthy of love and affection? Why do I crave so much to be liked and why am I not okay just because someone doesn’t like me? Why am I so afraid and when can I actually allow myself to believe that no matter WHAT happens to me, only I have control over whether or not I allow those things to break me or make me better.
My favorite phrase to describe things these days seems to be “mixed bag.” SD’s last visit was a mixed bag of warmth and happiness (I love seeing my son with his dad regardless of how his dad and I feel about each other) and anger and frustration as it became super apparent that we are on two very different pages when it comes to the present state of our parenting relationship. This past weekend was also a mixed bag. It started with a wonderful dinner out with friends, which ended minutes later in a car accident for which I was responsible (no one was hurt… I reached back to hand Sam a toy and didn’t realize the car in front of me had come to a complete stop) and went into a lot of really crappy behavior from me towards my mother who is arguably the sweetest woman in the world and then catapulted into a loss of power Saturday night and a temperamental furnace. Sam and I were back and forth all day yesterday between our house, my sister’s house and my mom’s house. And we had a darn good time. Julie made us coffee and breakfast and I have a priceless video of Sam laughing at Gianna who was running around her room just to make him giggle. My mom offered us a warm place to relax and rest and we had a nice impromptu meal with my grandparents. This morning, we came home to a fully functioning and heated home. Through it all, Sam was a saint. He went from points a to b to c without a fuss or struggle, even at 9:30 last night as we had to travel back to Grandma’s for a warm night’s sleep. Last night I posted that happiness isn’t at all about what happens to you but what you make of what happens to you.
I started the Joyce Meyer 3030 Challenge(http://3030challenge.joycemeyer.org/index.php) on March 1 with the hope of deepening my relationship with God and his Word and his plans for us. My hope is that this adventure will further shape the eyes I use to see the world and the perception I use to determine how I react to life’s twists and turns. What great timing as we begin the season of Lent this Wednesday… This morning’s verse stays with me:
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14.
Waiting… and waiting happily with a fresh set of eyes.